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  • Writer's pictureNikolis Clark

Love: Take it or Leave it

Updated: Jan 31, 2023

I have always liked my music loud and aggressive. Even further, I have enjoyed when my loud aggressive music could be heard by others. Much like music, love and how one feels about it comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes. Love has been something that has been hard fought, easily found, easily lost, never found, and all sorts of different proverbial shapes over the years. So as much as I hate this corporatist existential nightmare that we call a holiday, I have to attempt to glimmer some sort of insight from the difficult and often confusing nature of love.

Often times people find themselves looking for love. I myself am one of those people. I have spent all of my adult life looking for someone to spend the rest of my adult life with. Now on my first Valentine's Day single in two years, I have to evaluate why I have been pursing love. Rather why do any of us? The first and most pressing for me at least is the fact that I love to cook and making my yearly Valentine's feast for one is rather depressing. However the want is a lot deeper than that. The nature of why I seek love is so much more complex than my seafood pasta, or berry crumble. I seek love because I am the product of a household that has reinforced that Love is not just real, but can in fact be something treasured.

I exist because people fought for Love, so it is only fair that I am blighted with the want to love another. To fight, struggle, and seek out that real love that I think everyone deserves should they want it. I say that because not everyone wants love, some don't feel that draw towards it and that is fine. What I have learned is that if a person wants to skip out on this whole tango, power to them.

Even before my breakup, I had the realization that what I am looking for is someone who loves me without stipulation. No more conditional love, no more feeling ashamed to be me, no more changing my positive traits because they aren't celebrated.

Seek out the pleasure, pain, whimsy, acceptance, and enjoy the sheer fucking madness of it all. Dating, hookups, marriage, friends with benefits, fledgling relationships, seasoned ones, and all the in between. Cherish that life is made up of all this ridiculous shit and love is just as fucked up as life is. Have a drink, make mistakes, cuddle, hate, scream, yell, cry. Live, Love, Struggle. I suppose that is the point of us living on this dust ball of a planet. To gamble it all for things that are not scientifically discernable.

I want to sing and dance poorly, I want to cook dope ass food, I want to feel full of passion. I want to pursue my artistic passions even if they aren't amazing. I want to write, read, watch, and listen.

I want to be in a shitty band, I want to write bad romance novels, I want to watch movies in silence the first time. Then show them to people later so I am not bothered by people talking. I want to listen to metal, grunge, goth rock, and punk music loudly in the car instead of quietly. I want to learn something new every day. I want to make mistakes. I want to love with every fucking ounce of my soul and feel loved in the same way. I will never grow tired of searching for love, because one day I will find it.

So on this corporatist nightmare, that we call a holiday, breathe easy. If a passionate romantic, with a laundry list of odd personality traits, hasn't given up yet, neither should you. Life is long and as much as it all hurts to be alone, this isn't the end of love if you fight for it.

So shout at the sky, go on blind dates, post long ass blog posts, do whatever you need to do to get through today. Tomorrow will be better, hopefully. I am trying my best to be honest and be an open book. So if you are every interested in chatting me up, don't be afraid to take your shot. That really is the nature of it, succeed or fail at the end of the day the least we can do is be honest with ourselves. Find love being you and not being what someone else wants you to be. Find the you that is singing, dancing, and living, then love will find you. So happy fucking Valentine's Day and I hope you all take care of yourselves. You know, stick to a budget, be safe, sometimes it is literally too early to say I love you. You know, the basics.

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